My father had four wives.
I say this plainly because I’m done apologizing for it. My mother was the third wife. I grew up in a compound in Nigeria with numerous siblings, navigating a family structure most of the world finds incomprehensible or morally wrong.
That childhood taught me more about marriage than any textbook ever could.
This is not a defense of polygamy. I chose monogamy for my own life—twice. Once in a 35-year marriage that ended in divorce. Again in a second marriage that works because I learned what the first one couldn’t teach me.
But this is also not a condemnation of polygamy. Because the question nobody asks—the one that actually matters—is not “Is polygamy moral?”
The question is: “Did it work?”
And the uncomfortable truth is: Sometimes it did.
WHAT I WITNESSED
We all lived in the same compound. Each wife had her own dwelling. My father rotated between them on a schedule everyone knew. Resources were distributed transparently. Responsibilities were shared.
It was structured. Intentional. Explicit.
When my father distributed foodstuff or money, the wives compared. When one was sick, the others stepped in. When conflict arose, others mediated. We children had built-in support—never alone, always supervised.
But I also witnessed the pain.
My mother suffered isolation and conflicts with other wives that led to divorce. Jealousy was inevitable—even when wives tried to rise above it, the structure generated it. Competition for attention was fierce. There was hierarchy—the first wife had more influence. My father worked constantly to maintain four marriages. The burden was heavy.
My father wasn’t wealthy or powerful. He was lonely. He was the only surviving child of his parents. In his cultural context, that loneliness was existential. His children served as the brothers and sisters he didn’t have.
WHY I CHOSE MONOGAMY
I saw the pain polygamy caused my mother. I experienced sibling rivalry intensified by having different mothers. I witnessed the strain.
I wanted a partnership—one woman to build a life with, to share everything with, to grow old with. I wanted depth and exclusivity. And the woman I married wanted exclusive commitment. I wanted her more than the option of additional wives.
WHAT POLYGAMY TAUGHT ME ABOUT MONOGAMY
Here’s the irony: Growing up polygamous made me better at monogamy.
LESSON 1: AGREEMENTS MUST BE EXPLICIT
In polygamy, nothing is assumed. Who gets what? When? How are resources divided? These questions must be answered out loud.
In my first monogamous marriage—35 years before divorce—we never discussed:
- How many children we wanted (I wanted fewer, she wanted more)
- How money would be managed
- Where we’d live long-term
- How we’d navigate conflict
We assumed love meant alignment. We were wrong.
LESSON 2: STRUCTURE REQUIRES SUPPORT
Polygamy worked for my father because Nigerian law recognized it, Islam sanctioned it, culture accepted it, and community regulated it.
Remove those supports, and polygamy becomes exploitation.
The same is true of monogamy. Without gender equality, economic independence, legal protections, and social support systems—monogamy also fails.
The structure is not the point. The support for the structure is the point.
THE RESEARCH BACKS THIS UP
In my research with 225 couples across the USA and Africa:
- 61% of Africans vs 36% of Americans consider religion essential in partner selection—because religion determines what marriage structures are acceptable
- 51% of Africans vs 35% of Americans stay in unhappy marriages primarily for children
- Among couples 65+, relationship satisfaction reaches 100%—not because they chose the “right” structure, but because they made agreements explicit
MY SECOND MARRIAGE: WHAT CHANGED
I remarried at 62. To a woman who asked hard questions before saying yes.
We didn’t assume shared understanding. We created it.
Before the wedding, we discussed: how many children (none), how money gets managed (joint + individual accounts, transparency), where we’ll live, how we handle conflict, and when we revisit agreements.
This is what polygamy taught me: Make the invisible visible.
My first marriage failed because we operated on invisible contracts. My second works because we made agreements explicit and revisit them regularly.
THE UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTH
Some polygamous marriages are happy. Some monogamous marriages are miserable.
Structure matters. But what matters more: commitment within your chosen structure, respect, fair distribution of resources, healthy conflict resolution, supporting children, and character.
I’ve known content people in polygamous marriages and miserable people in monogamous ones. I’ve seen the opposite too.
Structure matters. Character matters more.
THE BOTTOM LINE
I grew up in polygamy. I chose monogamy. This isn’t condemnation of my father—it’s acknowledgment that different structures suit different contexts.
In modern contexts emphasizing individual rights and gender equality, monogamy serves these values better.
But here’s what both teach:
The structure you choose matters less than the agreements you make within it.
Polygamy works when there are resources, cultural support, willing participants, fairness, and legal/religious/social backing.
Monogamy works when partners make agreements explicit, expectations align, support systems exist, and neither expects one person to be everything.
Both fail when agreements are invisible, assumptions replace conversation, and support doesn’t exist.
Whatever structure you choose: Commit fully. Honor commitments. Treat partners with respect. Support your children. Build something meaningful.
Structure matters. But love, respect, commitment, and character matter more.
📖 READ THE FULL STORY
This is adapted from Chapter 14 of The Second Bridge: Building Lasting Love—research with 225 couples, frameworks for navigating money/faith/children/conflict, and honest reflections on divorce and second chances.
Pre-order now (Available March 19, 2025): Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GNVGFMS5
Kindle $9.99 | Paperback $16.99 | Hardcover $25.99
🎁 FREE: Agreement Audit workbook (50 questions) with purchase
Abas Alhassan | PCC, International Coaching Federation, FCA
Founder: Realising Dreams Coaching | Boys to Men Africa | Affluence Oak (Pty) Ltd
🌐 www.thesecondbridgebook.com
💼 linkedin.com/in/abas-alhassan-pcc-fca-leadership-and-executive-coach-0ba00b31
📧 alhassanng2@gmail.com
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